How Non-Goal Oriented Sex Can Transform Your Entire Life
Tantra can mean a whole lot of different things. I’m going to be talking about tantric practices that are centered around finding the sacredness in all things, especially our bodies. This lens can be applied to sex. It’s simply the art of being present and taking pleasure in being, being in the body, feeling the body, being connected to the senses, feeling connected to another person or something in the universal play that you is powerful to you.
The tantric way in regards to sex & the body is often brought in when people are struggling with sex, desire, relationship & want to discover that something else is available to them. However, it can be so much more than that. It can elevate the bodily experience of expansion in ways that you’ve never imagined even if you’re really happy with your sex life and feel like “everything is great.”
10 tips to enter tantric sex
So I encourage you to come with an open mind and care, as always. You can apply this to yourself, the way you walk and live in the world, your sexual encounters with yourself & others, and more.
1. Be aware of breathing. Your own breath. Others breathe. The breath can tell us so much. Pay attention to pace, sensation, sound, tone, and depth.
2. Learn about your senses. Give yourself or your partner deep sensory experiences. Explore different ways of touching, tastes, smells, sounds, and playing with lighting / vision / space. Making a sensually pleasing environment has big impacts on sexual exchanges. Setting a space as sacred in an intentional way can be a new and highly pleasurable way to connect with your own body or your partner if you’re working with exchange.
3. Pay attention to your emotions. Take good care of your emotional space as a way to prepare yourself for a deep experience. Tend to your emotions as you enter into this dialogue. Ask for what you want, need, and imagine before entering into sexual space as it can be hard to access thinking/talking if you’re already deep into a relaxed space that is more about the senses and feelings than words.
4. Inquire into consent & boundaries with yourself and your partner. Personally, I love “The Wheel of Consent” model to give a helpful container for discussing consent and power.
5. Make agreements with yourself and anyone you’re engaging with that feel necessary to create safety. Safety and trust is the key to deep opening and ecstasy.
6. Take it slow. Really slow. Explore touch and intimacy without penetration a few times. Penetrative sex can often take us into old ways of being & patterns that we may be trying to unlock.
7. Explore yoni / lingam massage. With yourself or with a partner this is a powerful practice. There are videos / techniques you can look up and follow. But this is simply connecting with the genitals in a loving, non-goal oriented way. This can produce arousal / erection / lubrication but it doesn’t have to. I recommend almond oil but any kind of oil that feels right to you can be nourishing to the skin and help with making it enjoyable. Build presence in your hands before you touch. Breathe into and feel the warmth in your hands. Soft, attuned, gentle hands. During this more slow process, it may be helpful to ask your partner how they are doing, feeling, requests, etc. Massage all around the genitals, underneath the bottom of the pelvic bowl, the hips and pelvic bony structure. Bring aliveness to the entire pelvic region.
8. If you do go into the penetrative experience, focus on slow, sensual, connected to feeling. A lot of friction / tension can be built up in vigorous sex especially if the body is not prepared for it. Let sensitivity and soft awareness spread through your body.
9. Consider letting go of the idea / desire / goal of orgasm & ejaculation. These experiences can be powerful and uplifting some ways and draining in others. There are some research anecdotes about couples who avoid building to big orgasm having less conflict, more pleasure, more ease, emotional regulation, less depression etc. If an orgasm happens, let it happen naturally and know that there’s no shame in it all…this is a long practice to begin to cultivate orgasm / ejaculation control. Discuss it all with your partner and be curious. Gentle and more subtle orgasmic expansion can happen through the deep internal body after more practice which feels different than the big peak & release. The tenet of this one is “if orgasm is a release of pleasure, why do we want to release it? Why wouldn’t we practice keeping this pleasure?” Remember there are no rules or right way, this is a journey, let it be one!
10. Look into tantric practices if you want more. There are ample resources out there. I myself enjoy the book “Tantric Sex for Men” though it’s no longer in print. There are newer books about Kama Sutra, Urban Tantra, audio programs about the Tantric way, in-perosn workshops and programs. My suggestion is always to notice how you feel about the tone, people facilitating, way of writing, etc. There are some wild things that happen in the tantra world so using your own discretion can be a helpful reminder. Just like with anything that is important, with people you feel solid and confident in.